A million little details over shadow what is vital.  And I am tired.

I think this is why I am not finding wedding planning to be all that fun.  I deeply anticipate marriage, and life, with my beloved fiance. But the wedding?  It seems to lie in wait, crouching until I least expect it, and then lunge and overtake me with stress.  Does it really matter what shoes I wear on my wedding day?  Does it really matter where everyone is seated and how many people come and what I wear in my hair?

No.  It doesn’t. But something has me convinced that it does, and so my stress builds, and builds, and doesn’t ever really get relieved.  Add to that not sleeping well, and I end up a very emotional, irrational, exhausted me. Not a very fun fiancee for Mason to deal with. I feel that life pulls me in a myriad directions, and I lack the grace to manage them adequately.

I so long to love maturely, peacefully, to be okay with a wedding that will be beautiful but not perfect, with a life that is hilarious and lovely but not planned to the tiniest detail, with the gifts of God that I did not invent. I have come to realize that I have lived my life, until now, in a completely self-centered manner.  Such a manner is no longer acceptable. I can no longer demand (and get) my own way with impunity.  I have to share, and compromise, and in turn be given a much better life than I could have planned.

In the end, I long for the grace of compassion.

In the end, I long for Christ.

Let your freedom arise
in our lives
as we lift you up
Sing it out, sing it out
Freedom!

I’m learning about freedom, about love, about living life free of fear.  I’m getting married in December, and I can hardly wait.  It’s funny, because when I think about the concept of “marriage,” it seems strange and foreign and something I don’t understand.  But when I think “Hey, I’m going to live life with my best friend,” I can handle that.  That just seems like a lot of fun.  It’s a journey, and we’ll be together.

Love. Love. Love.

Mason and I ate dinner with Josh and Emily last night. Sadie and Ellie (the dogs) met for the first time and wrestled non-stop. We ate a scrumptious meal of salmon, cooked spinach, cheese, and homemade bread.  Most of our meal was spent inside, but we later took the fresh hot bread out to the porch, where we enjoyed the rainy night. It was lovely fellowship, finished off with communal Ben & Jerry’s.

It was one in a long line of delicious meals we’ve been eating. I was totally inspired by Julie & Julia, and thus I have been attempting some wonderful recipes. Domesticity is quite delightful these days, and I’m loving Joy of Cooking. Before long, I do plan to attempt recipes from Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Until then, Erma Rombauer’s work is perhaps a little more accessible.

I didn’t actually make any of this, but my brother cooked a delicious breakfast for us at his house.

Matt and Erin came over and I made eggs that were basically poached in bacon.

Delicious chocolate cake.

This shrimp pasta was fun to make and even more fun to eat.

Cooking is one of those daily things that means something.  It represents home and family and fellowship and hospitality and prosperity and health and nutrition and a calm and savory enjoyment of life.  It points to much more than what it is.  That’s what I’m working on through my cooking lessons–being calm and savoring this season.

I had an amazing birthday. Mason gave me my present a day early and we had a blast with it (see www.lomography.com):

Despite having a terrible time with secrets, he managed to throw me a pre-birthday party with lots of our friends–and I was genuinely surprised!  We feasted and took pictures and talked for hours.  Just the kind of party I love.

On my actual birthday my mom took me to lunch and shopping and we had a terrific conversation.  Mason and I went downtown for a coffee date; we talked and took pictures and dreamed about how beautiful our city is and will be. In the evening we ate dinner with my whole family.

I felt so loved and cherished.  I have been reflecting on how blessed I am.  How loved and how cared for.  Life has its trials and sorrows and stresses, but the world is beautiful.  There is love and family and dear friends and dogs and music and curly-headed babies and coffee.

And Christ’s love knows no bounds.

And life is not very busy at all.  Which I suppose is good, but I find myself getting a little bored.  Which is funny, because when school was in session, all I wanted was the boredom and freedom of summer.  I have things to do, definitely, but there isn’t the day-to-day pressure of students and ringing bells.  So I have to motivate myself.  I’m not finding this as easy as I once did.

But it’s okay.  I’m learning to trust God with my time.  I don’t want to waste this gift.  I hope to spend my remaining month off reading, learning, preparing, praying.  I hope to learn, at least a little bit, Paul’s secret:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12-13

The other day, as we were taking a walk, Mason and I stumbled across a gigantic mulberry tree.  It’s in the city, just past our neighborhood, but no one had found it and it was positively laden with fruit.  We ate as much as we could, but since we didn’t have a bowl, there was so much left.

On Sunday morning, Hunter and Elise joined us for a morning walk, and this time we brought a container.  We collected an unbelievable number of berries.

Our hands looked like we had participated in a violent crime.

The berries were sweet and delicious for our breakfast that morning and on ice cream later that night.  What a fun surprise!

School is over and my brain is definitely in rest mode.  I’ve got a few projects and ideas wandering around, but they haven’t been fully realized yet.  In the meantime, enjoy this beautiful music video, which is really more a work of art.  It’s entirely composed of still shots–over 3000 of them.

Rob Bell’s recent interview with Christianity Today is interesting and somewhat meandering, but I like it.  I like wonder and mystery and the sense that everything is unfolding right before our eyes.

“I like to say that I practice militant mysticism. I’m really absolutely sure of some things that I don’t quite know.”

Life and the world are like a paint-by-numbers project, or the incredible video game de Blob–there is beauty and passion and color, but we can’t see the whole picture yet.  The story continues, and we get a glimpse of  glory every once in a while, as the paint dries.  Redemption and restoration, here and now, and coming.

Because if we knew everything, what would be the point of faith?

Today I can’t stop listening to Death Cab’s Narrow Stairs.  “I Will Possess Your Heart” is over 8 minutes long, and yet it never loses any of its magic and I never lose interest either.  How do they do that?

Mason imagines God singing this song to us. “How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me / It’s like a book elegantly bound but in a language that you can’t read just yet . . .” I love the idea of God pining over us, longing to possess our hearts.  Sadly, while I never lose interest in the magic of Death Cab, I pretty regularly lose interest in the wonder of Christ.  Why do I do that?

“You reject my advances and desperate pleas . . .

. . . I won’t let you let me down so easily”

Today is my first day of Spring Break. I can hardly explain how badly I’ve needed it. School has been going well, but it has been an insanely busy season, and I’m thankful to have some respite.  Yesterday I was triumphant as I left school, having gotten all my grades in and my lesson plans for after Spring Break completed.  Now I’ll be able to truly enjoy this time off.  Today I’m doing laundry and packing for Florida (yes!) and letting my mind wander and recover.

The weather is finally beginning to get a little warmer–although it’s presently raining–and I’m enjoying the inspiration and new thoughts that come with the spring season.  I’ve been reveling in the joy of apartmenttherapy.com (thanks to Sarah Jo).  I’ve purchased some lovely new stationery.  I’m enjoying the thought of yellow dresses and red kitchens, and bicycles.  I wrote a poem which I read at one of our church services last Sunday.

It feels good to be inspired again, to write, to create, to enjoy life.  Mason and I are headed to sunny Florida tomorrow to see Sarah and Ryan, and it’s going to be so refreshing.

God above all the world in motion
God above all my hopes and fears
I don’t care what the world throws at me now
It’s gonna be all right

‘Cause I know my God saved the day
And I know His word never fails
And I know my God made a way for me
Salvation is here